"CONGRATULATIONS"
(author unknown)
You are now the proud owner of a vintage body
(author unknown)
You are now the proud owner of a vintage body
Please read the following instructions to ensure you keep it running smoothly:
The temperature control may malfunction. We suggest you purchase clothing that will slip on, over or under. Quickly.
Buttons are not your friend.
On clothing or inanimate objects. Such as the tv remote or your husband. Do not attempt to push them. It’s very easy to trigger crossed wires that will mean a loss of sound over several days.
Please keep upright to avoid unnecessary breakages.
Replacement parts are difficult to come by. There may be a few languishing in the corridors of the NHS. There will be a need to jump through hoops to attain a new hip or knee for instance. Kindly refer to the above rule.
Vintage models eventually lapse and run on mono not stereo sound. There may be static interference. This is normal. We suggest closing the lounge doors so the husband’s mutterings are greatly reduced.
Do not immerse fully in water. It takes longer than expected to fully dry out and difficult to reach crevices could become susceptible to fungus.
The model will not always compute as quickly as newer models. However its power of reasoning increases intensely. There’s a 99% chance it will stubbornly refuse to change course.
Unlike recent models they do not need to announce to all and sundry when the sun comes up.
It is usual to hear rogue noises from an unexpected item in the bagging area. When attempting to lift a bag of groceries that has cost 50% of your state pension.
Not to be confused with actual body noises. Usual these will be ball and socket joint related. It is to be expected. You’ve run out of oil. Unlike Kuwait. To balance this out you will unearth a new supply of natural gas. Pockets of which will escape when you least expect it.
Do not fiddle with any knobs. They will not turn anything on.
Batteries go flatter quicker. Recharge regularly. In an emergency Kit Kats will provide an instant boost.
Their own counsel is kept safe and secure at all times.
Vintage models will not tolerate severe weather. Unlike modern models they will not increase alcohol levels to overcome the heat or cold, they will instead go for cotton or woollen garments. And tea.
They will not use alcohol for recreational use. It will be purely medicinal. Flavoured.
These models close down from social intercourse at 18:59 hours precisely.
We suggest you take great care of these vintage models.
They are irreplaceable.
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